A Girl’s Guide to the 21st Century: Tip 7

Vampires are not sexy!

The novel Dracula is, according to literary critics, an allegory of male sexual paranoia and ever since it was published people have been operating under the notion that vampires are irresistibly sexy.  This is not true.  Sometimes, the actors who portray the vampires are sexy, but a vampire in of itself is not.

Vampires have become increasingly popular in recent years.  Buffy, Twilight and True Blood have all served to make vampires look cool and attractive.  But if you really think about what they are and what they do, vampires are actually rather gross.

Here’s some tough facts:

1. They’re dead.  As in the opposite of alive – as in they once were alive then they died and then they became vampires.

2. They want to eat you.  I know in Twilight they are vegetarian vampires and in True Blood they drink synthetic blood, but they all still crave human blood.  So the whole time you are out on a date with a vampire they are probably trying not to think about how tasty your blood is.

3. Even if the vampire you are dating doesn’t want to suck your blood, their friends probably do, and they will probably try to lure you away in order to suck your blood.  I know it’s difficulty that faces a lot of couples; groups of friends don’t always blend.  But honestly, if you are dating a vampire, you could never go out with they’re friends.  It would be too dangerous.

4. They bite you during sex and suck a little blood.  That could make you anaemic.  That would make anaemia a STD.  STDs are not sexy!

5. And this is in my opinion is the worst of them all: you will age but your vampire lover won’t.  They will inevitably leave you for a younger human.

So, here’s a suggestion girls: don’t date vampires, stick to humans.

A Girl’s Guide to the 21st Century: Tip 6

Leggings are not pants!!!

This verdict comes from no lesser a source than Ms. Blair Waldorf, and no one effs with B.

Serious, why put yourself through the fashion mistake of wearing leggings as trousers?  No one looks good in leggings.  Even supermodels look a bit fat wearing them; mere mortals simply look ridiculous.

If you insist on wearing leggings, you can get away with them if you wear a pair under a mini-dress or a very long t-shirt.  The key is to have your top covered until at least the point of your mid-thigh.  Anything shorter is an outrage.

REMEMBER: Tights heighten every body flaw you have and you can see your underpants through them, so make sure you are well covered.

Doubly REMEMBER: Do not be like the girl I saw on the bus today: she was wearing TIGHTS with a t-shirt that stopped at her waist.  You could tell she was wearing flowery underwear.  I felt nauseous.

UNDERWEAR ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT = NASTY!

A Girl’s Guide to the 21st Century: Tip 5

This tip is for over 18s (in the UK) and over 21s (in the States).  This blog in no way encourages or condones underage drinking.

It’s important for a girl to have the right drink in the right place at the right time.  Nothing sooner distinguishes you as being a class act than the right drink. 

It is also important to remember that nothing makes you appear sad and desperate quicker than public drunkenness.  You might be having fun, but you just look a bit tragic.

With all those disclaimers in place, here is a guide to the most commonly enjoyed beverages and when to enjoy them.

Alcopops – Never.  Alcopops are the byword for trash.

Beer – in pubs and dive bars.  In a pub, have a half pint of bitter.  In dive bars, pool halls and the like have a bottle of beer (not only will you fit in but bottled beer is safer than draft).

Wine – with a meal, at home or at family events.  Wine is a cozy drink.  I find it’s best enjoyed sitting on the sofa curled up in front of a film or an episode of Gossip Girl. Rose wine, however, is at its best when drunk on a summer’s day sitting at the sidewalk cafe.

Cocktails – in clubs,lounges, and evening events but never anything that involves loads of paper umbrellas or sparklers.  The best garnishes are cherries, wedges of citrus fruit or olives.  Champagne cocktails are particularly elegant.

Spirits – Shots are never classy.  Spirits with mixers are okay for evening and evening events.  Brandy and whisky are nice after dinner drinks.

And if you are the designated driver for the evening, I recommend ordering a tonic water with a slice of fresh lime and tons of ice.  It’s refreshing, and more drinkable than Coke after several rounds.

A Girl’s Guide to the 21st Century: Tip 4

Start saving now for plastic surgery.  Seriously.  Everyone has pensions and 401Ks now.  Don’t you think your face deserves the same amount of respect?

When I say plastic surgery, I don’t mean boob jobs.  Don’t get one of those.  Fake boobs are so over, even Jordan has had a reduction.  What I mean is: eye lifts, chin lifts and face lifts (possibly).  I also mean: botox and chemical peels.  You should also save for expensive eye creams and face creams.

You might think me a horrible and vain person.  I wouldn’t say that I am horrible (not usually at least).  I am paranoidly vain, however.  I am also a realist.  I know we are not meant to bow to the pressure of the media when it comes to self-image.  I know that celebs and models look they way they do because of all the air-brushing etc. etc. etc.  I also know that, no matter what, we still look at celebrities as comparisons to how we are.

And let’s face it, celebs don’t age anymore.  Even male celebrities don’t age.  We are soon reaching a time when if we see a famous person with a wrinkle, it will look odd. How long before wrinkles start to look strange on ordinary people?

We live in a world where it is okay now to get old.  60 is the new 40, and 30 is the new 21and all that.  But even if you are old, it’s still not okay to look it.  People have to say you look “great” for your age.  There’s even a show dedicated to the quest of youth (Ten Years Younger) and that’s all ”civilians” going under the knife.  This is why it is important to start saving for surgery now.

While it is still a few good years before I will need to start reaching for the super-hydrating, anti-ageing, anti-oxidant enriched all-night eye cream, I know the time is coming when I will need it and most likely a lot more potions and lotions to stop my face from falling to the floor.  I want to be ready for it.  That means saving, because I’ll need a good surgeon.   Everyone knows there is nothing worse than a bad face lift.

A Girl’s Guide to the 21st Century: Tip 3

Go on a reality TV show (or at least audition for one)!

When Andy Warhol said his well-repeated quote about everyone being famous for 15 minutes, he was probably just being flippant.  However, he has been proved right.  Reality TV is here to stay, and it is no longer remain the domain of freaks, mentalists and the deranged.  It’s time for everyone to get in the act.

I interviewed for The Apprentice UK last week.  Okay, I only made through three rounds, but I cracked the top 200 candidates, and I think that’s pretty good going for someone who has no business experience at all.  It was also the most fun I have had in ages. 

Admittedly, it’s a pretty narcissistic thing  do you.  The whole time you are only talking about yourself.  I am sure that there are plenty of people who would feel uncomfortable doing this, but given the record number of people who started blogs last year, it seems like there are tons more people out there who love to talk about themselves. 

It gives you a great confidence boost.  Honestly.  You have to convince a panel of people that you are the greatest thing since slice bread, and at the end of the day I was starting to believe my own hype.  It had the same effect of repeating positive mantras in front of a mirror, but it was even better because I could see other people starting to believe it too.

It can be a tremendous kick start to your career, and I not just talking about people who become Z-list celebrities off of Big Brother.  Think of the life-changing opportunities offered by shows like Dragons Den.  You can now find Levi Roots’s Reggae Reggae Sauce in shops everywhere.  Hamfatter now have £75,000 to record their next album and an instant buzz because of their appearance on the Den.

And whether you would like to admit or not, I bet at least one of your favourite television programmes is a reality show.  Wouldn’t you love a back stage pass?  Wouldn’t you like some insight on the whole making-of process?  Half of my excitment at The Apprentice interview was getting to know the other candidates.  Hopefully, one or more of them will make it through, and I can say that I’ve met them.  It’s always brilliant to meet people off the telly.

With the absolute glut of reality shows that litter all the channels, there is bound to be one the matches your interests and personality.  You simply have to find the right one.  So what are you waiting for?  Get auditioning and applying!

A Girl’s Guide to the 21st Century: Tip 2

In my last post under this topic, I discussed why you should not take nude photographs of yourself even if it is only on your mobile and no one else is ever going to see it.  This is because someone will see it eventually and post it all over the web.  While naked images are always a bad idea, if you are the exhibitionist sort there is a socially acceptable way of showing the world how nubile you are: start a blog about your sex life.  This isn’t one of those sort of blogs, BTW. 

There are certain rule to maintaining a sex blog, however.  The first is that you most be anonymous.  Give yourself a “clever” pseudonym like “Miss X” or something like that.  I do not run a blog under the name of “Miss X”, BTW.  Secondly, all of your lovers (and there must be several to keep things interesting) cannot be referred to by names.  If necessary you could give them tags such as “The Boy” or “Mr. Big Shot”, but it is best  if you simple label them a, b, c or 1, 2, 3.  Finally, anyone you haven’t had sex with can be called by their names, but first names only.

Next comes the matter of content.  Not all sex blogs are equal.  The best sex blogs feature lovers that are a) rich b) powerful or c) famous.  You get bonus points if they rank as all three, triple points if they are a world leader.  If they are a world leader you can’t mention the country the rule, but you can hint at the continent.  If you cannot find anyone who is rich, powerful or famous to sleep with you and you still want to write a blog about your sexual exploits, then you should become a high class call girl who specializes in kinky sex.  If this isn’t an option either, then you can just about get away with having a sex blog if you regularly engaged in kinky sex with numerous people, but it has too be really exceptionally kinky – the kind of stuff that would make the producers of the Jerry Springer Show blush.

The final issue is about the posts themselves.  You should post at least once a week, although several times a week or even daily is preferable.  If you are having an off-week and you haven’t had a really dirty shag with a multi-trillionaire who runs half of South America and is in all the papers, you should share anecdotes about your past conquests.  However, the older the story is the higher your lovers notoriety quotation has to be and the more extreme the sex has to be to make it worthy for inclusion.

If you follow all of these guidelines, your blog should be a hit in no time, and if you are really lucky you will hit the jackpot all bloggers wish for: you’ll get a publishing contract.  Just prayer that no one rumbles your identity before your book hits the shops.

A Girl’s Guide to the 21st Century: Tip 1

Do not – under any circumstances – take nude photographs of yourself. Whether they are Polaroid snaps, pictures on your phone or elaborately posed shots taken by a professional photographer doesn’t matter. Regardless of their quality, these photos will end up on the internet.

Think of the number of American Idol and Miss USA contestants who found their careers quickly cut short because of the naughty pics that emerged of them. They always claim the photos were meant to be private; gifts to boyfriends or pictures taken by friends. They weren’t made for public consumption. However, in this age, everything is for public consumption.

You’ll break up with your boyfriend or you will have an argument with your friend, those pictures will be scanned or uploaded on the net and everyone you’ve ever met, and a few thousand that you haven’t met, will see them. Everyone in your home town will know what you look like naked.

My advice: don’t take a picture unless you would be okay with your first grade teacher seeing it. This is unless you are planning a career as a porn star. In that case, ignore all that I just said.

 

A Girl’s Guide to the 21st Century: Introduction

The modern world is confusing.  The social liberation which commenced in the 1960s combined with increasing advances in technology means that the rules of decorum, manners and etiquette are constantly shifting.  The opportunity for public humiliation is greater than ever.

This guide is designed to provide advice on how to navigate through the murky social waters of the 21st century.  It will show you how to avoid common mistakes and how to keep your cool in any situation, be in online dating, break-up by text , office gossip and more.